Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into this season.
Kyle and Amanda are still together. Lindsay and Everett moved in together against everyone’s advice and general common sense, and then broke up a few months later. And that’s why you don’t move in with a short-term SO in New York City. There’s too much to lose—like the thousands of dollars in broker’s fees and security deposits. Also, Lauren got played by Carl all winter. Surprise count: no one.
Kyle and Amanda are headed to the house together, which is pretty funny because two seconds ago we heard a clip of Kyle saying “no couples in the summer house” to Lindsay and Everett. But like, I guess it’s different because Lindsay and Everett suck. And Kyle is hot.
Ashley, aka Mom Twin if you’ll recall from my nickname last season, isn’t here, and THANK GOD. She was annoying. What? You were thinking it!
So Carl is bringing a new girl to the house who he used to hook up with. But like, actually used to hook up with, or “used to hook up with” in the way Lauren “used to hook up with” Carl? Read our interview with Stephen for a clue of what I mean.
Stephen and Lauren are picking out all the rooms and Stephen is like, “I’m just gonna let Lauren do what she wants, because you do not wanna get in the way of a Wirkus. Those girls get hot. Real hot.”
What does that even mean?
Lindsay shows up to the house and the first thing she says is, “Working for myself, I can never take a day off.” Ugh, she’s annoying me already. Predictably, nobody is excited to see her.
I just wonder why like, Bravo KNOWS how many people they’re going to have on and yet they can’t just get a house with enough rooms for all the people? Or just cast less people? I know, too much logic. Sorry.
Kyle and Amanda come to the house super late and are mad about the rooms. Fuck that, this is summer camp rules. First come first serve.
Lauren’s arguments are bullshit, though. “I had the master last year so it’s only fair that I get it again this year.” What? I bet she thinks “Well this is the way we’ve always done it” is a good reason to keep doing things in an inefficient way.
So Lindsay and Lauren are going to share a bed and Kyle and Amanda are taking the downstairs suite. But why don’t they just switch rooms every weekend? They’re packing up their stuff and taking it with them anyway. Does it have to be this deep?
The new girl, Danielle, seems nice. I can only hope she was prepped on what she’s in for this summer. There’s also a new guy whose name is Amit and Lindsay is like “A-mit. A piece of meat.” IDK, I had a lot of jokes prepared about this comment but couldn’t pick a direction. Lindsay’s lack of worldliness? A joke about a woman objectifying a man? I’ll let you all decide.
Danielle’s like “I’d sleep on a pool table. I don’t care.” And everyone else is like “ohh perfect! Because that’s actually all we have left at this point.”
Oh, Danielle is from Hoboken. NVM. I take back all previously nice comments. She is Satan.
Carl is like, PMS-ing today. Did I say I liked Carl? Yeah, I take it all back. Gotta go with my first instinct on things. *Makes mental note* Stephen cooked this bomb-ass mac n cheese for everyone to eat, and Carl is giving him shit over it? Fuck that. Invite me to the summer house next year. I’m fun af, I like mac n cheese, and I’m not gonna pitch a fit over what bed I get. Shit, I’ll sleep on the couch. You can consider this my official audition tape.
Carl is every suburban white guy, inserting rap quotes into conversation that don’t make sense in context.
Stephen: Do you like the mac n cheese that I personally slaved over?
Carl: Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
JK, his actual expression is “no stress, more life” which is even worse. What does that mean? Is that a reference to the Drake album? I wouldn’t know; I only listened to it like, one time all the way through. But like, please stop. That is not a thing.
20 minutes into and Stephen is wasted and crawling into the linen closet. God, I love him.
Let’s pause for a second to discuss how the montage of everyone waking up in the morning is the fuel that will keep me going through this next hour.
Lindsay wakes up the next morning OUTSIDE in a lawn chair. Maybe single Lindsay isn’t going to be so bad. Lauren, I guess, slept at some guy’s house? I missed it; I was probably on Hinge. But she comes back and is giving someone shit for videotaping her walk of shame back to the house. Stephen, meanwhile, is rolling himself up in a fuzzy blanket on the floor, saying, “I’m not here.” That is my 2018 vibe.
Hold the fucking phone. Carl describes Danielle as his ex from two and a half years ago. Danielle, on the other hand, says they dated for “a few months.” Can you even call someone your ex at that point? To me that’s just like, someone you were dating for a minute. But what do I know, I went on a few dates with a guy who basically lives in Pennsylvania and had never seen and HE ghosted ME.
Carl pulls Stephen aside to apologize for acting like a dick at dinner. Instead of being like “it’s cool” or “thanks for apologizing when you were clearly in the wrong,” Stephen is like “I can’t even deal with the fake apology.” I’m confused, if you won’t accept an apology then what do you want?
Kyle just said “Saturdays are for the fucking boys” so Kyle is officially cancelled. But yeah, they’re at this polo event in the Hamptons, which is just about the whitest thing ever.
The girls try to get Amit to play “Fuck, Marry Kill” with them and his pivot is about as graceful as the time Ross tried to move that couch up a bunch of steps.
Lindsay is going a little overboard with her on-camera metaphors. “Move over, Mother Teresa. Saint Lindsay is here,” “I got off the horse and now I’m gonna get back in the saddle—literally,” etc. Like, chill. You already made the cut for season two, stop trying so hard.
Kyle and Amanda are talking about going to fuck behind the barn.
Carl really fucked up by inviting his two ex-flings to the same house. They hated each other for about two seconds, and now they’re just going to become best friends over how much they both hate him. Girl power for the motherfuckin’ win.
Later that night at the house, a bunch of the house mates go skinny dipping; nobody fucking cares. Bye.
Back in New York for the Pride parade, Stephen and Lauren are there and Carl is nowhere to be found. Gonna guess he’s hungover. Carl is the Shep of New York. Or is Shep the Carl of Charleston? IDK. Let’s debate this in the comments section.
Carl shows up at the last second and everyone is like:
So let’s take a minute to discuss the context of this Pride Parade and why what Carl is about to do is such a dick maneuver. Stephen explains how he’s not really open about his sexuality to his family and how hard that is. So this Pride Parade is basically his thing. That shouldn’t be a hard concept, to let the person of the marginalized community take the front seat—especially at an event that’s all about celebrating said marginalized people of said community—but this is a wealthy straight white man we’re dealing with, so of course that’s not going to happen! After showing up late and nearly missing the parade, Carl takes his shirt off and starts dancing with other people in the parade and ditches his friends. He basically turns the Pride Parade into the Carl Show. The episode basically ends with Stephen looking pissed off and me muttering “what a straight white guy move.”
Hopefully next week Carl will stop being such a jagweed, and Bravo will have better musical scoring, because some of their music choices were distracting.