1. Hear your alarm go off.
2. Snooze it.
3. Snooze it again.
4. Snooze it a third time and then say, “On the next alarm, I’ll get up.”
5. Hate self as The Next Alarm goes off seemingly eight seconds later.
6. Bargain with self that snoozing for Another Alarm After This Current Alarm wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
7. Confirm this thought with self because what difference does nine minutes make anyways?
8. Revel in this thought for a moment and think about how, technically, you could probably sleep for another seven hours and no one would notice.
9. Ultimately decide that you can’t snooze your phone again though, because then you will start doing it every day until you slowly morph into a big pile of worthlessness and you literally just forget how to do your job and simply become a permanent ‘meh’ of a person.
10. Contemplate for a moment the fact that you have this same argument and discussion with yourself every single morning when your alarm goes off for the third time and how, if you didn’t have this conversation where you force yourself to kind of be an adult, you probably wouldn’t have a job still.
10. Pull yourself out of bed, but in like a really pathetic way.
11. Like in a way where you basically just let your legs fall off the side of your bed but continue desperately clinging to your bed with your torso as if you’re a child having a meltdown and there’s some invisible adult pulling you off the bed and telling you to get your shit together.
12. Stand up and chill for second while you have a head rush and stare longingly at your comfy-looking sheets.
13. Walk to the bathroom so that you don’t change your mind and decide to get back into bed.
14. Brush your teeth and honestly feel so accomplished about doing this.
15. Pee for 9 seconds but then sit on the toilet for another 468 seconds scrolling through your phone.
16. Stand up, wash your hands, and begin the morning commute over to your couch.
17. Arrive at your couch.
18. Open your email to work.
19. Open your Facebook tab after getting tired of looking at how many unanswered emails you have.
20. Close your Facebook tab.
21. Reopen your Facebook tab.
22. Close your Facebook tab and tell yourself that you can look at Facebook after you’ve answered some emails.
23. Open one email but then get annoyed because it’s not an email that you can reply back ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to and it’s more like an email where you have to figure out three other things before you can properly answer it.
24. Reopen your Facebook tab.
25. Like some statuses.
26. ‘Haha’ at somebody’s status but then change it back to ‘like’ because the ‘haha’ felt weird.
27. Look at somebody’s new engagement photos.
28. Close out of the tab after you get to the point of the album where they’re holding up black chalkboards that say “She said yes!”
29. Go back to your email tab.
30. Answer six of your emails (four of them being Spam emails that you just delete).
31. Tell yourself that you’re allowed to have breakfast after you do three more work-related tasks.
32. Do half of one work-related task and then give up and eat your breakfast.
33. Scroll through Instagram while you eat your breakfast.
34. Tell yourself that you’re allowed to make a cup of coffee after you do four more work related-tasks.
35. Complete one-and-a-half work-related tasks and then make your coffee.
36. Text three different people while you’re having your coffee, one of them being the friend that always texts back right away and two of them being a gamble in terms of response time.
37. Do some more work so you don’t feel like a complete shit.
38. Look at the clock and hate that you’re still in your pajamas.
39. Decide that you’re going to take a ten-minute work break in order to change and get yourself ready for the day even though the day started two-and-a-half hours ago.
40. Get yourself ready for the day. Allow this to include the typical stuff (outfit change, deodorant, second teeth-brushing, etc) and then stuff that has nothing to do with grooming yourself (calling your mom, paying a utility bill, cutting up that cardboard Amazon box that has been sitting in your kitchen forever while knowing you won’t take it out to recycling until three days from now, etc).
41. Feel slightly more like a human.
42. Commute back to your couch.
43. Arrive at your couch.
44. Sit on your couch, but more upright than you did earlier because now you’re not in pajamas, so you’re a more respectable employee.
45. Open your email to work.
46. Open your Facebook tab after getting tired of looking at how many unanswered emails you still have.
47. Close your Facebook tab.
48. Reopen your Facebook tab.
49. Like somebody’s status that is a link to an article with a caption that says “This is not okay.”
50. End up reading three other articles on that site.
51. Go back to your email tab.
52. Finish answering that email from this morning that requires you to do three other things to properly answer the email.
53. Stand up after completing the email and decide that you need to get out of the house and go to a cafe.
54. Decide you’ll leave in ten minutes from now.
55. End up somehow leaving 37 minutes later because three other things came up.
56. Go to the cafe.
57. Sit down and post an Insta story of your coffee.
58. Open your email to work.
59. Open your Facebook tab after getting tired of looking at how many unanswered emails you still, still have.
60. Close your Facebook tab.
61. Reopen your Facebook tab.
62. Accidentally like the status of someone you barely ever talk to anymore and then contemplate unliking it because it was a mediocre status but then decide to just let it be because everyone deserves a win sometimes.
63. Go back to work.
64. Look around and realize there’s dozens of other people here in the middle of the day and wonder if they’re work-from-homers or actors or some other really cool thing that you haven’t even thought of.
65. Spend the next three hours of work rewarding yourself with mini prizes every time you finish a task – watching that YouTube video from six years ago that you used to love that randomly popped up in your head, stalking your friends’ vacation photos, looking at funny Instagram accounts, buying a croissant and eating it in eight seconds even though it tastes stale.
66. Finish your work and look up and wonder if anything interesting even happened to you today, but then remember that you get to work in this cute cafe and make your own hours and take walks in the middle of the day. And feel a little lucky.
67. Walk home.
68. Promise yourself you won’t snooze the alarm tomorrow. Just like you promised yourself yesterday.
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