How To Convince Everyone At Work That Youre Chill, Even Though Youre Hoarding 6 Different Drinks On Your Desk

Real photo of the author’s desk.

1. When you socialize, remember to make eye contact. Making eye contact is important in establishing deeper and immediate connections with people. Also, you can watch the other person’s eyes to make sure that they aren’t looking at your desk. If their eyes wander and see that you have well over the Standard Maximum Number Of Drinks For A Normal Person (3), they will know you’re crazy.

2. Always repeat people’s names back to them, so they know you care. It’ll also prompt them to remember your name! And then start screaming their name in hysterics if they come anywhere close to your desk. They cannot see who you truly are. Never let anyone know your real personality; that you’re the type of person to require both flat water and La Croix. You’ll mix them in private, you don’t give a fuck. You are refreshed, but none of your dehydrated coworkers need to know that, so just be cool.

3. Remember the golden rule: dress for the job you want, not the job you have! This really just means wear black clothes all the time because you will miss your mouth and inevitably spill your third cup of coffee down your shirt almost every morning.

4. Take initiative. Put yourself out there and establish yourself as a cool person in the office. You want to make sure your reputation is fully accepted and acknowledged by all coworkers, otherwise you will be known as the Drink Girl. This is awful. You are not defined by the number of drinks on your desk, remember that. Although it’s totally weird and very excessive.

5. Don’t force it if people aren’t immediately accepting that you’re trying to be cool. Just relax. They aren’t going to find out about all the drinks on your desk. Breathe. And if they do, maybe they’re okay with it? The odds are high someone else in this office is drinking too many things at once too, so just fucking calm down. Drink some Yerba Mate. Stop bringing up how hydrated you are.

6. Don’t try and make jokes about it. Look, the baseline number of drinks on your desk that would make the situation funny is four (4). You have six. This is absurd. It’s completely surpassed the silly threshold and now you’re just wading in crazy territory. How did they all get on your desk in the first place?

7. If someone finds out about the six different drinks on your desk and asks you about it, laugh. Don’t even talk or answer their inquiry, just laugh a lot. It’s fine, you’re dying inside, but everything is fine. Haha! See?

8. Remember, not everyone is going to think you’re cool. They’re wrong, but it’s okay. Two out of your six drinks are in mason jars, so obviously they’re the idiots in this scenario.

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