20 of the weirdest things you can give Amazon money for

Amazon is where you go for deals, near instantaneous shipping and to easily restock your family favorites. But, truthfully, Amazon is the host of some pretty weird sh*t. And if that surprises you, then join the club – we’re working on getting jackets.

We have no idea why Amazon would sell this stuff, but a good rule of business is not to sell what people aren’t buying. So in other words, we can only blame ourselves and the oddity of internet culture for perpetuating this seemingly endless episode of “WTF Amazon.”

1) Snot mittens – because tissues aren’t environmentally friendly.

Amazon

But what do you do with your hands after you blow snot all over them?

Price on Amazon: $19.99

Buy it here

2) This silicone face slimmer claims to shape and tone your facial muscles.

Amazon

Bonus effect: You look like some kind of weird fish.

Price on Amazon: $1.59

Buy it here

3) Spruce up your space with an asthmatic granny decal.

Amazon

Her head is life size.

Price on Amazon: $42.76

Buy it here

4) Beauty Maid Incense Burner

Amazon

Why is the smoke pouring out of her nipples?

Price on Amazon: $17.99

Buy it here

5) Oopsie?

Amazon

Technically also an effect you can product for free (if you’re willing to ruin a pair of your pants).

Price on Amazon: $23.95

Buy it here

6) 55 gallons of lube: because it’s always better to be prepared.

Amazon

For people who enjoy anal sex a LOT.

Price on Amazon: $1,450.86

Buy it here

7) Crafting With Cat Hair

Amazon

This is the crazy cat person manual.

Price on Amazon: $12.69

Buy it here

8) Looking to lose your appetite? Here’s a cookbook full of semen-based recipes.

Amazon

People have way, way, way too much free time.

Price on Amazon: $22.49 (regularly $24.99) 

Buy it here

9) The most self-explanatory pillow to exist printed using the most pleasing font: Helvetica.

Amazon

Better decor does not exist.

Price on Amazon: $34.00

Buy it here

10)Putt putt while you’re making a poop poop.

Amazon

Or just read your phone like everyone else.

Price on Amazon: $12.99

Buy it here

11)Human Body Fat Replica with Display Base

Amazon

Now you, too, can own a pound of human fat on a display platter.

Price on Amazon: $23.10

Buy it here

12) Let Jeff watch over your bowel movements always. 

Amazon

Bonus: monkey.

Price on Amazon: $16.15

Buy it here

13) The chosen snack of those online who “are not owned.”

Amazon

Whateva, Binch.

Price on Amazon: $12

Buy it here

14) Dog toots you can eat!

Amazon

If you hang around the dog long enough, you can also get these for free.

Price on Amazon: $11

Buy it here

15) Nothing says “sexy” quite like Vladimir Putin, shirtless, riding a bear. 

Amazon

The question is not why, but rather, why not?

Price on Amazon: $79.99

Buy it here

16)Dingding Pillow Cushions

Amazon

Clearly the secret to happiness is a family of plush, emotionless dicks.

Price on Amazon: $2.02+

Buy them here

17) Runny nose shower gel dispenser

Amazon

Not funny. Just gross.

Price on Amazon: $10.48

Buy it here

18)See you in my dreams, sweet cheeks.

Amazon

You’ll never feel lonely again in the fire of Nick’s piercing gaze.

Price on Amazon: $9.19

Buy it here

19) The phone case you’ve always wanted: a diseased toenail. 

Amazon

*vomit*

Price on Amazon: $23.92

Buy it here

20) Take out your stress on a disembodied boob.

Amazon

No one will slap you for squeezing this one.

Price on Amazon: $8.60

Buy it her

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